A Little Closure

As I was perusing over this blog from my tour in Iraq in 2007-2008, I discovered several "Easter Eggs"... rough drafts of posts that for one reason or another never got posted. I have decided to post certain ones that I still feel are worthy. One in particular is one I began writing about my marriage to the pen pal I corresponded with while in Iraq. For nine or ten months we wrote back and forth and she provided me with inspiration and a pleasant distraction from some of the things that consume a soldier's thoughts while in combat.

This post was drafted around July of 2008, shortly after I returned and shortly after I married the love of my life and the rock that I have depended on during my battle with post combat issues. With her support and understanding (a stern hand or "The Look"), I have become a better man, better husband, better father, better Christian and better soldier!
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July 9th, 2008

I know it has been awhile and I have been back for quite some time now, 8 months to be exact, but I wanted to add a little closure to my blog. On June 28th, 2008 my girlfriend, my children and her children (seven of us in all) packed into her Dodge Intrepid and drove to Eureka Springs in Arkansas and I made her my wife. The ceremony was small but the day was so incredible. We got there in plenty of time and we were all ready to get out and stretch (in the rain). We decided to look for a spot to eat.

We found a cozy little BBQ spot heading out of town. It was an entertaining atmosphere with an elderly woman singing Karaoke; including a loud, raspy rendition of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine". In a not so coincidental coincidence, our daughter Ashley was glancing over the hundreds of one dollar bills stapled to the ceiling which included signatures, dates and some had little notes. One of the bills directly above our table was a couple who wed on June 28th; the day of our wedding. It was just another of the "millions" of coincidences we have experienced in our young relationship that we call "God Moments"... just a time we have come to accept that all the trials and hardships of our previous lives were His plan to get us together.

The wedding was a small service surrounded by nature with us and our children. It was raining that day, but we were undeterred. Tammy was insistent that we were married on 6-28-08... She has a 'thing' about even numbers. This was the last opportunity we had to have all our children together for our family's union and have all the numbers right.

The big moment had arrived and as we stepped out onto the little dock overlooking a coi pond with several large coi and a big bullfrog bellowing slow, deep croaks the rain stopped and a little slice of the sun peaked out. We all lined up in a row and with my sons, Billy and Taylor beside me, we united clans. Through the ceremony, Billy was distracted by the fish and kept tugging at my shirt asking if he could pet the fish. I attempted to delay his attention a little while longer. Hearing a few giggles I glanced down to see him licking the rain off the hand rail behind us.

As the service ended the rain started drizzling again and we crammed in the car for the two and a half hour drive back through the beautiful mountains of Northwest Arkansas; our first trip as a family. Driving back I was amazed at the blessing God has given me as I glanced around the car at our children all together and feeling the tight grip my wife had of my hand and her beaming smile from ear to ear. It was a beautiful day!

An Important Tool

Sorry it has been so long since my last entry. I have been doing well. It has been almost three months since I returned to the US and I think I have fully adjusted. I owe most of it to my girlfriend who has been with me through it all.

There was a time early on when large crowds made me uncomfortable and I spoke of how 'over alert' I was. We went to the mall one day and had lunch at the food court. I remember her talking and I was listening to her and scanning the room with my eyes looking for I don't know what. Then I noticed her reach over and hold my hand and just looked at me and talked to me in a calm voice as her eyes stared right into my soul. Everything around me just faded away and I couldn't focus on anything but her.

These past few months have been just like that. Everytime I would start getting anxious, nervous or start getting angry about whatever, she would gently squeeze my hand and demand all my attention until it passed.

Now, I think I have completely adjusted and somehow she still thinks I am crazy, but I think in a good way this time.

I think that she 'saved' me and I think that love, understanding and patience is an important tool for any soldier adjusting from combat. She never pretended to understand. She never made me feel stupid or foolish and I think that is what I love about her.

Failure to Adjust

Well, I have been back in the US for a month now. I have not gone back to work yet, which means I have not settled back into a routine really. I am hoping that is part of my problem and things will normalize a bit in the next couple weeks.

I have not tried to jump out my window or anything since that first night. My 'over-alertness' has seemed to ease a bit. It has turned to insomnia now. I usually am only able to sleep 3 or 4 hours a night. The other night my sister spent the night and I got up and started doing things and she woke up and asked me what I was doing. I was up in the attic going through things and running new wires for my surround sound speakers.

I really didn't think it was odd to be rummaging around in the attic at 3am until she mentioned it. I seem to get up and start doing things when I should be sleeping. I have tried watching movies, but I just can't lay still. I get extremely anxious when I sit still and have to be moving around. I don't quite understand that yet and again, I hope that goes away when I go back to work.

I have noticed as Sgt S Humphrey mentioned that I feel very uncomfortable when I can't see the exits and seem to always be 'observing' people in crowds. I tend to be more suspicious of people and making new friends makes me uneasy.

I have also met an amazing woman and am so mad at myself because I have not been able to be 'myself'. I am sort of skittish and withdrawn and though I know she is awesome, she probably thinks I am crazy or something. I am completely not shy by any means. I love being the extroverted, center of attention; at least I did. I want to be 'that guy' again, but as much as I try, I just haven't been able to adjust to society and people and it tears me up.

I am asked if I want to talk about it - talking about it will make me feel better, but I don't know what the hell 'IT' is. I don't know what I am feeling. I don't know how to talk about it and feel better because I don't know what I feel.

I am hoping some of my fellow veterans can shed some light on this.