Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Failure to Adjust

Well, I have been back in the US for a month now. I have not gone back to work yet, which means I have not settled back into a routine really. I am hoping that is part of my problem and things will normalize a bit in the next couple weeks.

I have not tried to jump out my window or anything since that first night. My 'over-alertness' has seemed to ease a bit. It has turned to insomnia now. I usually am only able to sleep 3 or 4 hours a night. The other night my sister spent the night and I got up and started doing things and she woke up and asked me what I was doing. I was up in the attic going through things and running new wires for my surround sound speakers.

I really didn't think it was odd to be rummaging around in the attic at 3am until she mentioned it. I seem to get up and start doing things when I should be sleeping. I have tried watching movies, but I just can't lay still. I get extremely anxious when I sit still and have to be moving around. I don't quite understand that yet and again, I hope that goes away when I go back to work.

I have noticed as Sgt S Humphrey mentioned that I feel very uncomfortable when I can't see the exits and seem to always be 'observing' people in crowds. I tend to be more suspicious of people and making new friends makes me uneasy.

I have also met an amazing woman and am so mad at myself because I have not been able to be 'myself'. I am sort of skittish and withdrawn and though I know she is awesome, she probably thinks I am crazy or something. I am completely not shy by any means. I love being the extroverted, center of attention; at least I did. I want to be 'that guy' again, but as much as I try, I just haven't been able to adjust to society and people and it tears me up.

I am asked if I want to talk about it - talking about it will make me feel better, but I don't know what the hell 'IT' is. I don't know what I am feeling. I don't know how to talk about it and feel better because I don't know what I feel.

I am hoping some of my fellow veterans can shed some light on this.