Happy New Year

I think this New Year is a great time for me. I talked to my kids last night; they are in Disney World with my family. I am turning in all of my non-essential Theater Provided Equipment (TPE) items and have everything else packed up and ready to ship home. Our end of tour briefs are beginning. Our shipping containers are now being packed for the long trip home. The pace is picking up quickly and I can smell my momma's beans and corn bread on the stove.

One thing I love about my kids is that they always make me laugh. They have my sense of humor. I miss their smiles, but will see them soon and that is enough encouragement for me now to keep my chin up. My son is excited about painting his room this summer and we decided to do a Cars theme. "Like the movie, not the thing you drive," he made clear.

My sister said they have grown up a lot this year; physically and emotionally. I am sad in a way. The combination of this war, my divorce and my ex's subsequent move a thousand miles away have taken me from my children's childhood memories. They will only have short, faint thoughts of me as they look back at this time in their lives and that hurts me more than I can say. Coming from a broken home with only short, faint memories of my own father, I desperately wanted to keep my children from experiencing the same.

They all sounded like they were having a great time and my daughter even sounded genuinely interested in talking to me this time. We had a long talk and I think she is excited about me coming to visit in a few weeks.

After talking with everyone, I was happy; I have gotten out of my funk. At this point I do care what day it is, here and back home, because I am almost out of here. I am anxious about getting home, being around my friends and family and wonder how much they have changed; how much I have.

Tomorrow begins a New Year. In all sense of the word, it is a new beginning for me.

My Resolution

Christmas is over; New Year is around the corner. Most of my things are in boxes or have already been shipped home. The pictures of my family and friends that have decorated my walls for the past 11 months are packed away. All but one, it is of me and my children by the Mulberry River back home.

I have no decorations to pluck off the tree and re-pack this year. My one strand of lights is coiled neatly in my footlocker beside Santa's hat and a stocking. I do not have to spend hours vacuuming up hundreds of pine needles only to find one in July as I walk barefoot across my living room.

There aren't a dozen bags of garbage at the curb full of wrapping paper and empty boxes. There are no children ambushing my car with snow balls as I drive across town; no snowmen decorated with twigs and worn-out clothes.

This year, the holidays just didn't spread the cheer that I have enjoyed in the past. In fact, it came and went all too soon. I missed the over-crowded stores and angry shoppers that bite and claw their way to the sales on Christmas Eve.

Next year, I will be with my family and friends and take time to enjoy the moments I have missed this year. Holidays, special days and every day, I will take time to enjoy the little things as much as the big ones.

It sounds so easy on paper - it is my resolution this year.

Christmas 2007

It's Christmas Eve 2007; I sit alone in my room. My Christmas lights are shining and I miss my family and friends. Today was supposed to be a non-mission day and all of Charlie Battery was supposed to be together for Christmas Day. Like it has been all too often though, the missions go on and many of my brothers are spending Christmas on mission at another base.

To many of us it doesn't matter. Many of them have said they could care less if they were here or on mission today; it's just another day. That is the common feeling this year. Most of us just shrug when someone says, "Merry Christmas." Most of us do not want to be reminded that we are missing yet another holiday far from home.

Tonight was going to be like many others; Mike and I were hooking up after work and going to the gym. Tonight however, we have to wear our body armor to go outside because we are supposed to be attacked, so we couldn't go to the gym. I decided to work on packing some more boxes to ship home.

The Armed Forces Network plays holiday video tributes from home and earlier today I watched "A Christmas Story." It is the only indication for me that Christmas is near. Now I am watching Mixed Martial Arts and I can feel my testosterone level elevating.

I did get to call my children last night. They are glad it is Christmas and I tried to sound excited about it too; just for their sake. My daughter was slightly too busy and my son was missing his tooth. He had one fall out earlier that day and was not happy about it. My daughter is Little Miss Busy and seems to reluctantly take time to talk with daddy, but she is always so enthusiastic about it.

I have received several boxes and large envelopes full of letters and cards written by school children. They are truly uplifting and always bring a smile. Many of the homemade cards from a Fort Smith school start off, "Merry Christmas Army." The cards from my sister's students are personalized. Most of them start, "Merry Christmas Will."

I was upset that I have prided myself in answering all of the letters I have received, but I have so many cards and letters there is no way I could possibly write to each child. I will however write to the teachers and pass on my appreciation for their support.

On Christmas Eve, alone and far from home, with the anticipation of a pending attack tonight, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Private Scheuerman's suicide

I recently read the article on Yahoo News about Private Scheuerman's suicide.

I found it extremely depressing that there were so many indicators that this was a troubled young man and his leadership's best action was to punish him and restrict his amenities that is often the one thing that keeps us sane.

The ability to talk to or email my friends and family are the only things that have helped keep my head about me. If I had emails and phone calls to my family taken away from me during the severe bouts of depression I have had, there is no telling what I would have done.

Sometimes the mentality of the Army leadership is so ignorant. For a First Sergeant to "motivate" his troubled soldier by telling him to straighten up or he will be sent to prison and raped is beyond wreckless and irresponsible.

I have seen all types of soldiers and there are soldiers that do not like being in Iraq and some do try to take advantage of the situation. Some of them do make exaggerated claims to get attention. As Non-Commissioned Officers, as leaders, however, we have a responsibility to our junior soldiers to take care of them.

My feeling is that his leadership's handling of Private Scheuerman directly led to his suicide. According to the article, he repeatedly exhibited behaviors that should have triggered a more involved response. Instead, his leadership took away his contact with his family, made him sleep in a public company area and humiliated him in front of other soldiers.

The chaplain reported, "His mood had drastically changed and said Scheuerman demonstrated disturbing behavior by sitting with his weapon between his legs and bobbing his head on the muzzle."

The psychologist reported, "Scheuerman checked on a mental health questionnaire that he had thoughts about killing himself, was uptight, anxious and depressed, had feelings of hopelessness and despair."

The article states, "Scheuerman's mother got an e-mail from her son telling her goodbye. She contacted a family support official at Fort Benning and later received a call saying her son had been checked and was fine. Later, her son sent her an instant message and said her phone call had made things worse."

As is often the case, leaders do not like a soldier going outside the chain-of-command to report concerns about their leadership ability. There are ways that leaders make life harder on a junior soldier to prove how bad things can be. It's the mentality of, "You think it's bad now, you have no idea how miserable I can make your life."

I am not a psychologist so I cannot professionally comment on the psychologist recommending, "Scheuerman sleep in an area where he could be watched and that most of his personal belongings and privileges be taken away for his safety (all of his belongings except his weapon and ammo)." What an extremely negligent recommendation in my opinion. Were his privileges of emails and phone calls to his parents more hazardous than a loaded gun?

If it were not for my ability to talk with my family and friends, I would still be in a very dark place in my mind and quite capable of harming myself and others; especially when I carry a machine gun and ammo everywhere I go.

Can you fathom the suicide rate in the United States if a person was diagnosed as “…having thoughts about killing himself, was uptight, anxious and depressed, had feelings of hopelessness and despair" and then were given a loaded gun and sent on their way?

Here is a big red flag that hits me hard, "Scheuerman had tears in his eyes, but one of his non-commissioned officers said he was surprisingly calm before he went to his room, weapon in hand."

At that point, I believe he felt he was completely out of hope and without contact and the support of his family, he felt he had no options left. Less than an hour later, his NCO said he heard someone yelling that Scheuerman had done something.

We now know that is when he wrote a note and pinned it to the door as he shut himself inside his closet. My opinion is that his leadership failed to act in a responsible manner and directly contributed to his death by having knowledge of his severe depression and thoughts of suicide, then giving him a weapon and telling him his future consisted of going to jail and becoming a "butt-buddy".

The saddest part for me is that Private Scheuerman had an extremely loving and dedicated family that cared for and supported their son very much. I believe his family's support could have prevented his very unnecessary death.

A fun run: my Oxymoron

It was shortly before 5am when my alarm went off this morning. The Everly Brothers sang me to life with the tune 'Wake up Little Suzie' and though it is a fun, catchy tune, it was way too early. It was a full 4 1/2 hours earlier than my normal wake up time. This morning it was a crisp 55 degrees and in my PT shorts it was a little colder than I would have liked. I knew it would be hard to loosen my muscles up for the 3.5 mile run ahead of me.

As I headed over to the rally point, I was all alone. The walk over made me a little nervous. No one was in sight which made me check my watch a few times to make sure I wasn't too early, or even worse, running late. One thing about the Army, there is no such thing as 'fashionably late'. There is usually much physical pain for the tardy and with a battalion run this morning I wasn't in the mood for extra pain.

I crossed the parking lot of Living Area 4 (LA4) and finally saw signs that others were awake before sunrise as well. It again caused me to check my watch and make sure I was on time. The silhouettes of the other soldiers in the battalion were outlined by the bright lights of the volleyball court. I mingled around until I found the rest of Charlie Battery and conversed with the others about how early it was, how cold it was and sarcastically spoke of how excited I was about the run.

Our acting First Sergeant, Sergeant First Class Evans, formed us up and led the warm-up exercises and stretches. Warmed up and as motivated as possible for the run, we waited. In the classic Army tradition of "Hurry up and wait", we "hurried up and waited." The wind was light, but cool and my muscles quickly tightened again. I continued random stretches and ran in place as the other companies in the battalion formed up around us.

Command Sergeant Major Reid put the battalion "at ease", rallied us with a quick motivational speech and assured us this would be a fun, short run; only 10 miles today; thankfully he chuckled. With that, he called us to attention, yelled the commands of "right face, forward march" and Task Force 11 was on our way.

We marched across the awkward, unsteady gravel parking lot to the paved road and once we were all on the blacktop, the order of "double-time" was shouted loudly from the front. Suddenly the soldiers in front of me sprinted forward and as I too let out my stride to keep up, I knew I was in trouble. The pace had started off almost twice my normal speed and I knew it was going to be a long, winded run for me.

As I expected, I didn't finish first or last, but I did finish. A few post-run stretches and another motivational speech by CSM Reid and we were released to go about our daily business. For me it consisted of a shower, a nap and then off to the Operations Center; one more day in the life of a Fobbit.

Another hum-drum night

Frosty the Snowman plays cheerfully on TV, sexy women in Christmas lingerie scroll across my computer screen and outside, our sirens are alerting us we are under attack; tonight it's just a drill. Just another hum-drum night on Camp Adder.

I sit back and chuckle silently and know that some day I will look back on my time here and try to make sense of it all. Someday I will be sitting at a desk somewhere doing something mundane that will seem so urgent and important at that time to someone, but not to me. I think I will find it hard to fall back into the mindless repetition that was my life before this war.

I think back to when I was home for few weeks last summer and how I found it hard to stress about things in the real world like I once did. I find it hard not to chuckle when my family and friends complain about things going wrong in their life and remember that I too once lived an over-dramatized soap opera of a life not too long ago.

I have a much different outlook on life these days. I have different ideas on what I will value most in the years to come. I'm sure I will someday look back at these past couple years and consider it the defining moment in my life; when my life came sharply in focus. I find comfort in knowing that I am a better person than I was.

In the land of the biblical beginning, I have found an enlightenment that has erupted at my very core. I have been blessed with ability to find a better place within myself and accept that the mistakes I have made in the past, have also contributed to character of man I am today.

I am thankful for the many family and friends that have been a constant influence in my life this past year. There was a time when I wanted to forget about everyone and just do what I came to do, but they never let me forget that there is a better life, better times, waiting for me back home.

I am proud to serve my country. I am proud to have been in Iraq during a time when absolute and quantified positive results are so evident in the beginning of a prospering Iraq. I am also, however, so thankful that my tour is almost over and I will be coming home to begin a new chapter in my life as well.

Tis The Season

Well, I have been quite the grouch for a couple weeks now. I had planned on just trolling through the season, getting by without much thought about the holidays. I almost made it.

The closer it gets to Christmas, the more I am reminded this is the season of good will toward men. Friends and family wish me well and send presents. My sister's class all made cards, drew pictures and sent letters. The local radio station in Baghdad plays Christmas music that I hear on the bus riding back and forth to work.

We have a Christmas tree in my office and in my room. I tried hard to forget about it this year as I live and work in a land far from home where bad guys want to kill me. I wanted to keep my head focused on the fact that I am still in a bad place. Even more than that though, I don't want to be reminded that I am far from my family for the holidays.

With my time here coming to an end, I am getting more excited. As much as I have come to appreciate the great things we are doing here, I am so ready to leave this all behind and return to my family and friends. I want to get out of this funk I am in and keep my head held high, it's almost over.

Pearl Harbor

This Day In History Pearl Harbor December 7, 1941

At dawn on Sunday, December 7, 1941 66 years ago today, naval aviation forces of the Empire of Japan attacked the United States Pacific Fleet Center at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii and other military targets. The goal of this attack was to sufficiently cripple the US Fleet so that Japan could then attack and capture the Philippines and Indo-China and so secure access to the raw materials needed to maintain its position as a global military and economic power.

Airfields, port facilities, and warships were attacked and severely damaged. Of the nine Pacific Fleet battleships at Pearl that day, Utah and Arizona were completely destroyed and the Oklahoma was salvaged but considered obsolete and designated for scrap. All other battleships were returned to service. The expected result of the attack was to cripple the U. S. Pacific Fleet for a period of up to eighteen months, preventing aggressive action against imperial forces, with the fleet to later be drawn out into a final battle and destroyed. This goal eluded the Japanese as U. S. forces were acting aggressively in the South Pacific within 60 days and the fleet was fully effective within a year. There was never the kind of massive fleet battle that the Japanese hoped for.

The attack was almost a complete tactical success. By a matter of chance, of the three of the Pacific Fleet carriers that would normally be at Pearl that morning, two were at sea on exercises and one was on the U. S. west coast undergoing maintenance. Not knowing the location of these ships that could attack his strike force would cause the tactical commander, Admiral Nagumo to withdraw before a planned third strike, sparing the Pacific Fleet submarine force, important maintenance facilities and critical fuel supplies. The survival of the repair shops would enable rapid restoration of the fighting capability of the fleet. The carriers would enable the first blow to be struck against the Japanese homeland in the Doolittle raid, would prove to be decisive in the Battle of the Coral Sea, where the Japanese forces were turned back in their thrust toward Australia, and would prove essential to U. S. success in the Battle of Midway Island, where naval a viation forces from U.S. carriers sank four Imperial carriers.

( This entry originated at from Medals of America )

Christmas Alone

This is a poem I wrote about 15 years ago when I was in the Navy. It was my first Christmas away from my family. It is as true for me this year as it was then; except now my children are the little feet I miss instead of my brothers and my sister.


Christmas Alone

Christmas is a time of joy
And spreading Christmas cheer
But I don't have that feeling
As I celebrate this year

There is no roaring fireplace
And the mantle looks so bare
Maybe the reason is because
There's just one stocking there

The lights that cover the tree
Don't shine like in the past
And with no presents to open
How long will this Christmas last?

With a falling snowflake
There also falls a tear
For Santa won't be bringing me
Any presents this year

How can Christmas feel the same
Without the patter of little feet?
Tumbling across the living room
To see if Santa left a treat

As I'm spending Christmas
In a place so far from home
A tear-stained pillow reminds me
I'm spending it all alone

Contract Broken

Being a veteran of the Iraq war, well technically I am here so I am not a veteran, I joined the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA). It is a good organization that is concerned about the specific issues the veterans of these wars are facing.

I gotta tell you, when I read about the PFC Fox fiasco, I got so upset. The Army is so ignorant sometimes. I know we are having budget issues and the Democrats are pushing to stop funding and that means that we (American Soldiers) will be left stranded on the frontlines. It is an effort to force the Bush Administration to withdraw from Iraq and pull support from a strengthening Iraqi Government before it is ready to stand on it's own.

All that aside, I heard of the Army billing our wounded veterans that are kicked out of the Army because of injuries they sustained in combat. They are being billed for money they received when they enlisted in the Army. Since they are now disabled and being kicked out because they were wounded before they could fullill their full contract, they have to pay the Army back money they recieved.

It sickens me to think that the military thinks so little of the sacrafice these soldiers made. I am glad to see that someone in politics is taking notice and pushing a bill that will stop the Army from pouring salt in an open wound of our soldiers. There are many hardships ahead, mentally, physically and financially for these veterans and if they Army can pay $900 for a hammer, they can pay $3000 to a soldier who lost his arm and his leg in Iraq.

--- Here is a letter I received from the IAVA ---

When Jordan Fox was serving as a Private First Class in Iraq in May of this year, he was injured by a roadside bomb. The attack left him with a back injury and blind in his right eye, and as a result, the Army sent him home. A few weeks later, to his surprise, they sent him a bill for nearly $3,000.

The Army demanded that he return part of his enlistment bonus because he had been injured and medically discharged before completing his enlistment. Jordan had signed up to serve his country and was injured in the line of duty, and now the Army was asking for its money back.
Fortunately, there's a new bill gaining momentum in Congress that would ensure this doesn't happen to others in his situation. Pennsylvania Congressman Jason Altmire has introduced the "Veterans Guaranteed Bonus Act" (H.R. 3793), and IAVA is making a major push to ensure it gets passed as soon as possible. Please take a minute to send a message to your Representatives urging them to support it.

Throughout this fight, Jordan has maintained that he is proud of his military service, and would serve again if asked. But this is a loophole that needs to be fixed immediately. The men and women in uniform in Iraq and Afghanistan have served our nation proudly, and this is a terrible way to welcome them home.

So please take a minute now to send your Representatives a message, and tell them to support the Veterans Guaranteed Bonus Act.

On behalf of Jordan, and future wounded veterans, thank you.

Soldier's Christmas Poem

Recorded for a radio station... A very different version. God Bless our Soldiers!


TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.


I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.


I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.


NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.


WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBERING THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.


FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.


THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'